down & STREAM DOWN

They said :
"Guys will always be able to make girls cry. 
But if a girl can make a guy cry, she must really means something to him."

She had seen him cried once.
She, as his friend.
At that time he spilled his tears, badly, for other girl.

She had cried for him every now and then.
She, as his special friend.
Or she thought so.

But she never saw him cried for her.


---
pic from here

let's do it RIGHT

Dalam sebuah sesi lembur (tanpa sengaja) di akhir pekan, Chinta, teman sebelah meja mendadak nyeritain kisah cinta seorang temannya. Kisah seorang gadis yang terkena bujuk rayu somebody else’s somebody, yang katanya mau mengakhiri his previous relationship, tapi end-up that man turn her down with some cliché reasons. Moral of the story : sebuah hubungan yang tidak dimulai dengan baik, tidak akan berjalan/berakhir dengan baik.

I can’t agree her more.

Hubungan yang tidak dimulai dengan baik maksudnya bukan hubungan yang tanpa cacat cela ya. Mana ada hubungan yang ngga ada ups-and-downs-nya? Maksud hubungan yang tidak dimulai dengan baik itu ketika tidak hanya ada ‘aku’ dan ‘kamu’, tapi ada pihak-pihak lain yang dirugikan ketika hubungan itu tercipta.

Aku pernah ada di dalam hubungan semacam itu. Entah itu yang aku fully aware kalo ini ngga baik tapi dengan bodohnya malah main api; atau yang aku kira baik-baik saja, tapi ternyata ngga. Dua-duanya berakhir sama : blunder. I ate my heart out. I cried a lot. I went nowhere. I suffered in total breakdown.

Katanya, masa lalu boleh berwarna hitam, tapi masa depan masih putih warnanya. Jadi, sekarang ini aku hanya ingin punya sebuah hubungan yang normal, yang dimulai dengan baik. Dengan semua ketidaknormalan dalam hidupku, rasanya ngga berlebihan kan kalo aku pengen punya sebuah tempat nyender yang aku bisa nyender dengan tenang? Yang ketika aku membutuhkannya, dia juga membutuhkanku. Yang ketika aku mencarinya, dia juga mencariku. Yang ketika dia milikku satu-satunya, aku juga miliknya satu-satunya.

So, let’s do it in a right way. Shall we?

the sparks REIGNITE

Tenggorokanku tercekat. Dadaku nyeri.
Ketika melewati bangunan ini.
Lingkungan ini.

Terlempar ke waktu itu.
Mengejar sesuatu walau nurani berseru.
"Langkahnya lebar, tidak seperti langkahmu!"
Hasilnya, aku menjadi hitam dan biru.

Aku tidak lekas beranjak, rajam mereka.
Lekas? Tolok ukur lekas itu seperti apa?
Ada alasan mengapa logika dan rasa dibedakan menjadi dua.
Karena mereka memang tidak sama.
Karena mereka tidak selalu senada.

Katanya, cermin yang pecah bisa direkat seperti semula.
Tapi lihat, betapa jelas serpih retaknya.
Kecuali, ya, jika kau gunakan alkimia.

Memang bukan tiap sudut kota.
Bukan tiap sudut ruang dan benda-bendanya.
Tapi kenangan, bisakah kau lepas dan letakkan di atas meja?

FATHOMLESS riddle

hey you cold blooded living being.
tell a lie with a smile.
come and go as you please.
break the hope repeatedly.

i mean, really.
do you even have that thing called heart?

over MIDNITE, still

It was an ordinary Sunday night.

Got home after held the radioshow, 10.20 pm.

Freshen up myself, did a little room clean up.

All set, I read a book on the bed, ready to fall asleep.

And suddenly it came, just like an ambush from out of nowhere.

Oh my, sometimes..

.. our Boss of the Universe has a funny way to put us on trial, right?

In bed. In the dark.

I hate waking up in the morning, crying.

Katanya otak manusia bisa membentuk mekanisme sedemikian rupa sehingga dia menolak hal-hal buruk untuk diingat. Kenyataannya kok ngga semudah itu ya? Dalam beberapa hal aku harus berusaha keras untuk keep sane, membuang hal-hal menyedihkan dari ingatan.

But then it suddenly came into my dream. I can even felt the shiver, heard every single sound it made, every word spoken. So real, beyond my thought. Eventually, i woke up crying.


Oh good God, it still felt this hurt.

morning after dark

.

Mencoba trayek baru buat berangkat ke studio pagi ini. Ternyata memang lebih cepet. Less than 4 songs. Yang pasti sih lagunya bukan semacem Winds of Change yang 8 menitan ya. Lagu standar 4 menitan sahaja..

Ya, naik motor sambil denger mp3 player memang ngga baik. Kebiasaan sejak jaman kuliah nih. Tapi volumenya masih reasonable kok, beneran. Berguna buat ngukur timing kalo udah hampir telat. Dan nyanyi-nyanyinya berguna buat conditioning suara kalo mau siaran pagi-pagi begini :p Maklum bangun tidur.. Suaranya masih 'bantal' sekali..



Dan pagi ini ada sedikit kejutan.
But still, namanya tetep kejutan.
Aku terkejut.

Wah.
.

illimitées

.
Katanya : kesabaran itu tidak terbatas.


What would you be, if your suppose-to-be-the-most-supporting-people degrading you? Saying bad things about you? Discomfort you? I still trying to figure what will I be. Because I'm living with those people, since the early phase of my life. Very early. Certain people from my closest environment.

It was tough. With them, I can't find myself fit on anything. For them, I was just so wrong. Even if I didn't do anything wrong. They said, my 'existence' was a mistake. The 'existence' runs in my genes. The 'existence' I can't change.

Maybe I could be as bad as they said. I could make their big-bad-ass-picture of me come true. It was soooo easy. But I won't. Why should I? It wasn't me. It was a wrong charges. But they just don't care.

Their eyes are blinded.
Their ears were closed.
Their lips speak whatever pleased their own.

And that wasn't the only one. This sort of thing also happens in other aspects of my life. That people often got me wrong. Once, twice, three times, four times... I can't recall. I live with it. Breath with it. If this is the consequence, then it's a consequence of the things I didn't even do. Maybe I am. But not most of it.

However, I still put this little smile time to time.
Live the life.
And won't talking trash.





Because people may get me wrong.
But The Boss of The Universe does not.
.

stereo symbiosis

.
I'm still listening.
every word spoken, I was still listening.


then, when I was given the opportunity to be heard?


does this mean ..
in the end, people eventually just need someone to blame?

.

sisaan semalam

.
sky outside seems immense.
the clarity did not felt friendly instead.
I miss it's gray color.
makes me want to go somewhere far away and quiet.
where I can shout all the anxiety outta my lung.





your silence speaks a lot.
and I'm afraid it is not a good news for me.





"Big trouble, losing control,
Primary resistance at a critical low,
On the, on the double gotta get a hold,
Point of no return, one second to go,

No response on any level, red alert this vessel's under siege,
Total overload, all systems down, they’ve got control,
There’s no way out, we are surrounded,
Give in, Give in, and relish every minute of it

Freeze, or make it forever, I feel a weakness coming on."

those words ringing in my head.
oh, I am tormented by my own thoughts.

.

Midnite Madness

Lewat tengah malam.

Kerjaan terbengkalai.

Shuffling 711 random songs in playlist.

Desing harddisk.

Cig.

Air putih dingin.

Bebek.

Jam dinding berdetik ritmik.

Lapar.

Ketiduran sebentar.

Kabel berserakan.

Terjaga.

Jantung berdebar.

Modem lemot.

Sakit punggung.

Lubang hitam super-masif.
.

memang harus seperti ini

.



get used with that.

cope with that.



Ya Allah. Ya Allah. Ya Allah...